Corona Confessions

I struggle with anxiety. If you do too, I imagine it is making this “unprecedented” time particularly challenging. 

Stats on the alarming growth of anxiety in the US are widely known, but rarely talked about candidly by those suffering. In a culture where we want to look as if we have it all together like our Facebook posts, too many feel weak in admitting their struggle. I may talk about my anxiety, but never without humor. A global pandemic, however, has left me willing to share.

My struggle with anxiety began when I had a newborn and a one year old at home and I had an allergic reaction to medication. Something in the timing, the hormones, the colicky newborn, the needy toddler, the lack of sleep, and my throat closing in on me, made my world close in on me. This pushed me into a new “ab”normal as the new stressors of motherhood mounted. And then I had a panic attack. Ever had one? While I have since researched the physiology behind a panic attack, I’m still stunned that it is possible to feel as if you are dying – when you’re not. It landed me in the ER. When I read my discharge paperwork describing what to do in the event of my next “panic attack” I wanted to crawl into a hole; I was absolutely mortified. I felt weak – as a wife, a mom, and as a woman. 

For the foreseeable future I would continue to cover my anxiety with humor and continue to have seemingly unfounded, unreasonable bouts of anxiety. I have learned to ride them out with quiet conversations with God. They pass and have simply become a part of my new “ab”normal. 

Week one of this pandemic, like many, I was trying to find my footing. Playing new roles of working mom, stay-at-home mom, and homeschooling mom, with the news, coming in hot and heavy, was alarming. Around every corner I was also certain I had Corona. I had allergies. I mean I think I did. Who knows? Maybe I had nothing but anxiety induced symptoms. Again, that the brain can manufacture that which the body is not actually suffering astounds me. You would not have known from looking at me, but in week one I was a stressed, confused, fearful mess. You?

Week two into quarantine I began reflecting on what a unique opportunity this presents. Time. We now have time to see ourselves in a way we cannot in the course of normal, busy life. For those living with anxiety, which is probably heightened during this pandemic, it provides an opportunity to begin contemplating, perhaps even facing our “ab”normal, which we have become adept at masking. Perhaps right in the midst of that which is bringing our anxiety to a boil, we can begin to heal.

Here are five ways I am navigating anxiety during this time that I hope will bring you and me some much needed healing:

1. Define anxiety. Defining anxiety has been particularly helpful for me. Recognizing that anxiety is an emotion, one that actually has a place psychologically, is important. Just as fear is the mind and body’s way to protect us from a direct threat, anxiety’s focus on ‘what if’ can also be a useful tool. An article on anxiety in Forbes points out various ways anxiety can be useful going as far as to say anxiety can serve as a, “psychological canary in the coalmine of your life.” The problem of course is when anxiety becomes disabling. Defining anxiety and accepting it as a natural, even useful emotion is a start. I am focusing on recognizing that anxiety is a God given emotion in me that when in check has purpose.

2. Remove the stigma. I want to be a strong woman, wife, and role model to my children. Anxiety makes me feel weak. Reflecting on the psychological purpose of anxiety helps me remove the stigma. In Max Lucado’s, Anxious for Nothing he says, “The presence of anxiety is unavoidable, but the prison of anxiety is optional.” As a Christian, I wrestle with questions of: Does this mean I don’t trust God in the way I desire? Is this a reflection on the depth of my faith? I turned to the Bible for an answer. No, on both accounts. Repeatedly God says that when I have the emotion of anxiety, which I will, to turn to Him and he will provide what I need. In Matthew 11:28 God says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” I am focusing on recognizing God Himself acknowledges that I will experience anxiety, and He encourages me to bring it to Him for peace.

3. Identify what is feeding your anxiety. Anxiety manifests in different ways for each of us. It can stem from pressures of society, performance, academics, family, and now perhaps a global pandemic. If your struggle with anxiety is stemming from chemical imbalance or trauma, however, seeking therapy and possibly medication is commended. Seeking help is not an act of weakness. It is an act of strength. In regard to generalized anxiety, however, with which most of us struggle, we are in a unique season. We are being provided with the time we have long needed to root out the source of our anxiety. At a time in which the world seems to be shouting, “Be afraid, be very afraid!” we can root it out and emerge on the other side stronger. For me, this is an opportune time to get honest about the roots of my anxiety: anxieties about life, death, relationships, and God. Here I can dive into the hardest work of all – what do I believe and where are my uncertainties leading to anxiety? When busy, this is something I simply don’t have time for, but then neither do I have the time to do any real healing. How can we, in this time, identify what is feeding our anxiety, shift in our beliefs, and begin to heal? I am focusing on strengthening my foundation. The more clearly I define my beliefs about God, who He says He is, this life, my purpose, and His promise in death, the more my anxiety has trouble finding root.

4. Recognize how you mask your anxiety. In Anxious for Nothing, Max Lucado claims that, “Anxiety is not a sin; it is an emotion. (So don’t be anxious about feeling anxious.) Anxiety can, however, lead to sinful behavior.” This gave me pause and relief. It directly offered relief from my guilt, my feelings of weakness, and addressed instead my reaction. How do we mask our anxiety? Alcohol, drugs, food, shopping? I mask with busy martyrdom; this is what I call it anyway. It is a vicious cycle of ever growing to do lists, ultimately failing at one thing or the other, feeling guilt and rising anxiety, and eventually unleashing a martyred cry of, “I am doing it all!!! Doesn’t anyone recognize this? Appreciate this?” Cue feelings of I. Cannot. Anymore. I. Quit. Then pack it in because well, I’m busy and have things to do, apologize to whomever I have unleashed upon, press forward, have an unsolicited anxiety attack for no apparent reason at all a few days later, and start all over. No time to root it out, again, because I am VERY busy. I am focusing on the recognition of this vicious cycle. I now see how I both mask my anxiety with busy, then unleash my anxiety on those around me to bear as well. That others are affected spurs me to action. 

5. Use this time to find new strategies to conquer anxiety. Taking action will look differently for each of us. I want to differentiate between self-care and anxiety reducing strategies here for a moment. Self-care is a big part of lowering anxiety – yoga, going for a walk, curling up with a book. Whatever brings you peace, now is the time to weave it into your days. Hopefully, if we make it a part of our lives now, it will become so ingrained that when life resumes it is one thing you will no longer be willing to sacrifice. However, when I suggest that this is the time to invest in strategies to conquer anxiety, I am suggesting activities with a more pointed approach to quelling anxiety than self-care. I am focusing on the following:

• Gathering Community – More than ever this is crucial right now. It has been mentioned that social distancing should be renamed physical distancing, because we need each other more than ever right now. Whether via FaceTime, Zoom, text, email, call, we need community. As we do the hard work of leaning into our anxiety finding others with whom we can connect is important. I have a friend who also deals with anxiety that I can call and lean on for an encouraging word. But now, in the midst of this pandemic, I cast the net wider for support. I asked a group of women at my church if they would be interested in studying Max Lucado’s, Anxious for Nothing with me. I didn’t know what to expect, but over 25 women signed up to join me in reading and discussing via Zoom. It has been life giving.
• Gathering Resources – There are endless, incredible resources on dealing with anxiety. It is time to seek them out. Perhaps this is the time to research a counselor as well if this may be a road to healing for you. Here is what I have started with:
  • I am currently reading the book Anxious for Nothing by Max Lucado and the Bible. Reading the letters of Paul in the New Testament have been particularly helpful.
  • I recently studied the book of Ruth in the Old Testament of the Bible; it was a powerful step in understanding God’s sovereignty for me. So much so, I studied it with my children as well. We had the most incredible discussions which I believe brought peace to their hearts as well during this time. I created a Family Study of the book of Ruth with activities included to help during this time. 
  • Axis.org is a go to resource for me when needing to have hard conversations with teens. They are currently offering a free resource for teens on Anxiety. I found this helpful as well.
• Gathering Perspective – A few exercises have been particularly helpful for me. First, taking the time to look back over where my anxiety was unfounded is healing. Looking back over where my anxiety was not unfounded, but God answered my prayer has been even more powerful. Second, as soon as I begin feeling anxiety rise, I am working to replace it with thoughts of gratitude. A gratitude journal could be used as well. The benefits of gratitude to reduce anxiety are worth looking into. Alex Korb’s article, “The Grateful Brain” and Madhuleena Roy Chowdhury’s article, “The Neuroscience of Gratitude”  were just the start of my research convincing me that gratitude needed to become a part of my daily routine. Finally, I am working on relinquishing control, on recognizing and surrendering to what I can and cannot control. I cannot always change my reality, but I can change my reaction to it, and I do not need to do it alone. 

We have the unexpected gift of time right now. It is like being in the eye of a hurricane. Chaos is raging around us, even within us, but before we come out on the other side of this, let us grasp this gift of time to begin the hard work of healing.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10